What I'm Feeling About Myself

"I've never lived. I died a few times."

Harold (Harold and Maude)

Let's be honest. I know that my family seems to be proud of me (or they "try" to be proud of me) and some of my friends say that I'm a lucky person and some of juniors say that I'm their role models (or maybe they're just trying to cheer me up) . But now I'm gonna tell you what I'm feeling about myself.

Truthfully, I feel ugly.

Mentally and physically.

Most of the time.

I've always felt ugly since I was a child. Up until now.

I never really fit in anywhere. In any parts of society. I've always been pretending. Just pretending that I fit in. Sometimes pretending could make me safe from the judgment of the society. But most of time it's just torturing. I know that I cannot force myself to please everyone everyday.

But when I'm not pretending, people will see the true ugliness of myself. I'm the kind of girl you would love to kill at the first place if you know what I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.

I'm a monster. Physically and mentally. I'm trying to be nice to human beings just because God told me to do so. Just because they're my kind, my species. Just for the sake of humanity.

Other than that, I'm an evildoer. I cannot do anything nice, anything proper, anything normal.

I'm ugly, I'm evil, I'm a sinner, I'm a moron.

If you know me deep inside, you would love to burn me to hell.

But you don't know. Because I'm trying my best to be invisible so that my evil self won't hurt you.

So let's just keep it all this way. Hidden. Pretending everything is fine. It's better this way....