Pernah ada suatu masa di mana Rima tidak banyak bicara dan bersabar menghadapi segala celaan
Saat itu dia baru memasuki bangku sekolah dan berharap mendapatkan teman-teman baru selain boneka-bonekanya di rumah.
Tentu saja dia awalnya sangat bersemangat. Meski ternyata dunia sekolah anak pun tidak selalu menyenangkan untuk semua anak.
Karena dia tidak terlihat seperti anak2 Indonesia lain pada umumnya dan saat itu kebencian pada orang2 China sedang menjadi2, maka jadilah dia sasaran olok-olok anak2 di sekolahnya. Terutama karena dia tipe anak cengeng yang diganggu sedikit langsung menangis, anak2 itu pun semakin bersemangat mengolok-oloknya.
Rima kecil pun tidak dapat menyalahkan Allah yang menciptakan matanya yang begitu sipit. Tidak pula dapat menyalahkan garis keturunannya karena keturunan China di darahnya itu sudah beberapa generasi sebelumnya. Entah kenapa saat lahir, mukanya tiba2 sudah mendapat mata sipit seperti itu. Sering kali ayahnya bercanda beliau berpikir dia tertukar dengan bayi Korea, tapi nyatanya semua bukti mendukung fakta bahwa anak Korea itu adalah anaknya.
Selama mengalami masa bullying di sekolah itu Rima kebanyakan hanya diam.
Bila diam, bagi anak2 lain itu salah.
Lalu dia coba bereaksi dengan menangis.
Bila menangis, bagi anak2 lain itu lebih salah lagi.
Lalu Rima diam lagi, tidak mengadu pada guru, tapi guru2 memergoki bullying tersebut.
Bagi anak2 itu, salah Rima lagi karena dia tukang ngadu.
Lalu Rima coba adukan masalahnya dengan berdo'a
Bagi anak2 itu, Rima sok alim.
Dulu rasanya semua yang dilakukan oleh makhluk bernama Rima itu selalu salah di mata mereka. Tapi Rima kebanyakan diam dan tidak mengeluh terlalu banyak. Tidak membalas apa2. Seolah2 mulut dan tangannya dijahit untuk tidak melakukan perlawanan.
Kadang2 bila ingat kediaman Rima kecil itu, Rima yang dewasa ini jadi kesal. Kenapa makhluk bodoh itu tidak dapat membela dirinya sama sekali? Itu kan hanya olok2 dan gangguan sesama anak kecil. Mengapa harus nikmati masa kecil dgn olok2 setiap hari selama kurang lebih 8 tahun tanpa lakukan perlawanan berarti? Kebodohan yg bagi Rima remaja harus ditinggalkan sehingga pada fase berikutnya dlm hidup, dia tidak seperti itu lagi.
Namun, setelah mengalami banyak fase hidup lainnya, Rima sekarang sangat merindukan diri Rima yang waktu kecil itu. Karena ternyata saat melakukan perlawanan pada orang2 yg mengganggunya, ada suatu kekuatan yg lebih jahat dari dalam diri Rima melebihi jahatnya org lain di luar dirinya yg coba mengganggunya. Oleh karena itu, Rima berharap dapat menjadi seperti dirinya waktu kecil lagi. Di saat kekuatan jahat ini memaksa untuk keluar dari tubuhnya, dia berharap dapat menjahit mulut dan tangannya seperti yang berhasil dilakukan ketika dia masih kecil dulu.
Merindukan Diri Masa TK dan SD
Linguistics, my love, wait for me!!
I guess I already told you in my previous post that I've been accepted at the Australian National University, Canberra. I registered for Master of Linguistics (coursework) program, but ANU staff offered me Master of Linguistics (research) program instead. They said that I have a potential in this program considering my undergraduate thesis (I did some research on speech acts and implicatures on the dialogues in the movie Everything is Illuminated, which resulted in very interesting cultural and linguistic conclusions. I even admire myself for being able to do such a wonderful job. I love my undergraduate thesis. That's one of the very few things I hardly regret from my undergraduate study experience).
But as I think about it carefully, I think research program will cost more time and money. And I'm not such person who loves to risk my time and money. Time and money are like the two best gifts God ever gave me, you know. Of course, there's a possibility for scholarships. But it's not a full-fund scholarship and I have to compete with other people who probably deserve scholarship better than me. So, nah. I'm still in my previous choice: coursework program, as it is more efficient and effective, in my opinion. Besides, coursework program doesn't only provide me courses in the class. I should also write some 20,000 - 30,000 words sub thesis, which I believe will improve my academic writing skill.
Other than that, I just want to take one-year program so that I could come back to Indonesia (Hell YEAH, I'd love to leave Indonesia like FOREVER. but my family will not allow me) and find a more suitable job for my career. My one-year working experience was kinda a huge failure, despite I got so much knowledge (whether economic and lingustic knowledge) from my job as an editor at Markets.co.id. Thank you, Mr. Gde Anugerah Arka for that. But still, I want to find a job, which I will love for the rest of my life. A job that will get along with my linguistic hobbies.
Well, let's just pray I'll find some job in Australia. If there's still some more good luck available for me. Then, I don't have to return to Indonesia and I will probably be so filthy rich.
So now... I'm excited in preparing everything. From passport, visa, accommodation (I registered for a room in Fenner Hall, ANU. But I'm not sure yet whether they will accept me or not. Let's pray for the best), etc.
And here are the courses I'm going to take during my study there. Some of the courses sound so exciting. Oh, no. ALL OF THEM sound exciting. I love linguistics so much.
Compulsory courses (Group A):
LING6001 - Introduction to the Study of Language
And at least two of (Group B):
LING6003-Introduction to Syntax
LING6005-Language Change and Linguistic Reconstruction
LING6008-Semantics
LING6010-Phonetics: Sound of the Worlds Languages
LING6019-Phonological Analysis
Elective Courses:
LING6002-Language and Society
LING6007-Morphology
LING6009-Field Methods
LING6015-Language and Culture
LING6016-Language in Indigenous Australia
LING6017-The Chinese Language
LING6018-Languages in Contact
LING6020-Structure of English
LING6021-Cross-Cultural Communication
LING6022-Language Planning and Language Politics
LING6023-Dictionaries and Dictionary Making
LING6026-Syntactic Theory
LING6101-Second Language Acquisition
LING6103-Discourse and Society
LING6505-Acoustics of Voice
LING6508-Study of a Language Family
LING6509-Research Design in (Applied) Linguistics
LING6511-Conversation Analysis
LING6521-Child Language Acquisition
LING6522-Seminar on Semantics
LING6525-Special Topics in Linguistics
LING8025 - Tools and Resources for Language Analysis
Swallowed In The Sea
I can only blame myself, you can only blame me
Swallowed in The Sea - Coldplay
Some people may get along with their life easily. Some people get along with their parents as well. I'm not one of some people. Believe me, I have tried a lot more than you know just to please my parents. I guess I never can.
I really don't know what is wrong with me and my parents. Usually I blame myself for that. But lately I think I'm just simply sick of blaming myself and start to think "what if the one who's wrong is my father or my mother, and not me?" or "what if none of us wrong and it's just the way things are" or maybe "what if we all are equally wrong but none of us tries to realize?"
But then I think family shouldn't have been about wrong or right. Family is not a juridical court, nor a school exam, nor even a scientific research. Family shouldn't have been about win or lose either, unlike sport tournament or money market.
Yeah, it shouldn't have been that way. I know. But the truth shows me the opposite. What I've been through with my family has always been the questions about who's wrong and who's right, who gives more benefits than others, who wins the battle, and so on, and so forth.
And I'm simply tired of it. And I want to runaway.
Today my father made me sick to my stomach. As he's always been barely tolerable, but this time is too much and I can't take any more of him.
So I used to either ignore him or fight him in such situations.
But this time I decided to take a different way. I decided to take some time, and wait for the right moment to runaway from home.
You know, even when I'm 21, my parents still try to take control of my life as if it's their office. So I just want some freedom and I want to learn to live by myself without too much depending on them. But I won't, once again, I WON'T go to my relatives' houses for sanctuary. If my family is a disaster, then I can tell you that my relatives are the hell itself. I hate them. They always intervene with my problems without even give solutions. I suppose they laugh at my problems badly. They will seem to defend me at the first place and blame my parents for my pain but are actually ENJOYING every single second of me being suffered.
So I decided that after this year's Idul Fitri, I'm gonna find a boarding house somewhere near my office. I don't want to live at my parents' house anymore. Besides, the distance between my parents' house and my office is quite far. It took me hours to get me at the office on time. So... it makes me tired, and it wastes my money. So, I don't think I should torture myself more just because my parents don't allow me to leave.
Well, that's my plan. Wish me luck.
You Don't Know Me At All. You Never Will.
I do know her. And I know that she has got so much love in her heart. But the thought of letting it out, showing her cards, scares her to death. I never knew it would be possible to miss someone this much. Anthea Stonem (Skins)Hello, long time no post. Just want to inform you that I've deleted my facebook account today.
Why? That... you don't have to know.
Let's take a look at the bright side. I will have much more time on tumblr and especially, blogspot.
I really miss blogspot. I can say anything I want to say here, without having too many feedbacks from unwanted people.
Yes, I AM that selfish. My sister said that I suffered from Anti-Social Disorder. Somehow I believe her.
I don't really want to get close with people I don't really know. But I also feel guilty if I don't give them the right to simply just say "Hi" to me. So I let them say "Hi." But sometimes "Hi" isn't enough. And several people want to get to know me deeper and deeper. Which is okay, for several people... But for several others... I guess they make me scared.
So yeah, here I am. Going back to blogspot world and leaving my facebook world behind. So watch out! I'm gonna spam your dashboard. xD
Wish me luck. :)
I still have never lived....
Hi, there. It's been a while since my last post. In the last few days, my internet connection has been crashed down for reasons I don't understand. Long live Indosat for this trouble they have caused. As a result, I had to browse the internet by using Telkomnet Instant, which takes a very looong time to load. It took me hours just to read my emails, can't you imagine?
I hardly post at tumblr or other sites containing flash. I can't even continue some of my works, which really disappoints me, because I still love my jobs even though it is not as prestigious as my friends' jobs.
Anyway, I guess I have to re-schedule my daily activities. Due to the hectic activity in campus (submitting students' results, organizing conference, etc), I've neglected my other jobs, especially my job as a reporter. I haven't succeeded interviewing people from Directorate of Syariah at Bank of Indonesia. I'll try to be more aggressive. And I'm gonna research on the files my boss has given me. At least I have to understand a lot of things in order to write a 70-page-long reports about Islamic Bank.
Well, the good thing is... I guess I told you in my previous posts that I somehow lost my purpose and optimicism in life. I guess I finally refound it. Well, not a long-term purpose, I believe. But at least I have a reason to move on with this "oh-so-so-not-interesting" kind of life.
I want to leave.
Yes, that's the reason. I want to leave this country and try to look for more experiences abroad. Therefore, I have to be patient and try to look for "pre"- experiences to get prepared for the "real" experiences outside this lame country. For years, I've been given the kind of life I never want to. I've been living the kind of life that makes my parents happy but it doesn't really succesfully work for my own happiness. But I just have to be patient. It only takes a few months, and then I'm free. I want to change. I really want to change into somebody more "alive" than I am now.
So that I don't have to share the same thoughts with Harold's anymore. You know, Harold? That boy from the movie Harold and Maude who used to say, "I've never lived. I died a few times."
I've always felt the same way. Someday, I really want to be able to say that "I've lived." even just once.
So now, that's the reason why I'm still living my life. To find a real living life.
Pathetic, I know. Go, and laugh at me.
The Only Sustainability We Have is Indifference
The Only Sustainability We Have is Indifference
a poem by Rima Muryantina
“What happened in Gaza, master?”
Asked a little young fellow.
“I don’t want to hear about such matter,”
Answered his master, with eyes filled with sorrow.
“Why does everybody say so?”
Asked the little young fellow.
And for further explanation, everybody says “no.”
So she kept her questions in her heart,
And grew up from a curious brat into a cold-hearted tart.
And when her little young fellow asked,
“What happened in Gaza?”
She left her indifference unmasked,
And said, “I’m bloody Ibiza.”
Ich Liebe Meine Mutti :)
A short story written by me. Dedicated to my Mom. I do love you, Mom. I just don't love those people around you...
Oleh: Rima Muryantina
Pada zaman yang tidak terlalu dahulu kala, di sebuah kota, tinggallah seorang anak perempuan bernama Kaya. Kaya tinggal di sebuah rumah besar bersama ibunya. Setiap hari, ibunya menyuruh Kaya untuk pergi ke sekolah. Kaya tidak suka sekolah. Ia selalu dijahili oleh anak-anak lain di sekolah. Setiap hari, anak-anak mengejeknya, Berkali-kali Kaya meminta mereka untuk diam, tetapi mereka tidak mau diam dan terus mengejek Kaya.
Suatu hari, ketika hari sedang hujan, Kaya sudah sangat kesal dengan anak-anak di sekolahnya. Ia tidak ingin sekolah. “Aku tidak ingin sekolah, Ma,” begitu kata Kaya pada ibunya. “Tapi kamu harus sekolah. Kamu harus belajar di sekolah supaya pintar,” ujar ibunya.
Kemudian ibunya juga menasihati Kaya agar mau bergaul dengan anak-anak lain di sekolah. “Aku tidak mau bergaul dengan mereka. Mereka hanya mau menghinaku,” seru Kaya dengan kesal. Ibunya berkata, “Kamu belum mencoba. Kamu harus berusaha untuk bisa berteman dengan mereka.”
Kaya yang kesal akhirnya berangkat ke sekolah sambil membanting pintu. Ia berjalan di tengah hujan tanpa membawa payung. “Semua orang tidak pernah mendengarkan aku dan berbicara sesuka mereka! Aku ingin pergi ke dunia tempat orang-orang tidak bisa berbicara!” seru Kaya sambil berteriak ke langit.
Saat itu, tiba-tiba Kaya mendengar suara dari belakangnya. “Keinginanmu bisa kukabulkan,” ujar suara itu. Kaya menengok ke belakang dan melihat seorang pria tinggi yang berpakaian serba hijau. Pria tinggi itu mengenakan topi hijau, kemeja hijau, jas hijau, celana panjang hijau, dan sepatu hijau. Ia juga membawa sebuah payung berwarna hijau.
“Keinginanmu akan kukabulkan, Kaya. Tapi kau harus bersedia memakai payungku ini,” ujar pria berpakaian hijau tersebut.
“Kamu siapa? Kenapa tahu namaku?” tanya Kaya pada pria berpakaian hijau itu.
“Aku Tuan Payung dari Negeri Pelangi. Aku mengabulkan keinginan anak-anak yang sedang bersedih. Tapi dengan satu syarat, anak yang bersedih itu harus bersedia mengenakan payungku,” ujar Tuan Payung dari Negeri Pelangi.
Kaya sebenarnya tidak terlalu percaya dengan kata-kata Tuan Payung dari Negeri Pelangi. Akan tetapi, ia tetap menerima payung tersebut dari Tuan Payung. Kaya pikir, “Mungkin orang ini hanya orang baik yang ingin meminjamkan payung padaku supaya aku tidak kehujanan.”
Ketika Kaya memegang payung tersebut, tiba-tiba Kaya terbang dengan payung hijau itu ke atas langit. Kaya terbang melewati awan. Hujan perlahan berhenti dan langit pun mulai terlihat cerah. Kaya melihat ada pelangi muncul di tengah-tengah awan. Di sana, ada anak-anak kecil yang bersayap sedang bermain-main. Mereka berseluncur di atas pelangi. Mereka memainkan awan seolah-olah awan-awan itu adalah gulali. Anak-anak itu kemudian membentuk sebuah tulisan dengan awan-awan tersebut. Tulisan itu menunjukkan pesan: “Selamat Datang di Negeri Pelangi”
Kaya yang masih melayang dengan payung hijaunya, kemudian mendekat ke arah anak-anak bersayap itu. Anak-anak bersayap itu mengajaknya bermain tanpa berbicara apa-apa. Mereka hanya bisa tertawa dan bersuka cita. Mereka tidak mengeluarkan kata-kata yang menyakiti Kaya. Semua sesuai dengan harapan Kaya. Kaya bahkan tidak perlu memperkenalkan diri pada mereka, mereka sudah langsung menerima Kaya sebagai bagian dari Negeri Pelangi. Kaya memang tidak kehilangan suaranya, tapi ia tidak perlu mengeluarkan suaranya karena tidak ada yang menuntutnya untuk bersuara. Kaya hanya diajak tertawa dan bersenandung bersama mereka.
Sejak saat itu, Kaya tinggal di Negeri Pelangi dan tiap hari bermain bersama anak-anak bersayap. Mereka berseluncur di atas pelangi, memakan gulali awan, menangkap bintang-bintang di saat malam, tidur di atas Nyonya Bulan, mendengarkan senandung burung yang berterbangan, dan menonton pertunjukan pantomim yang dilakukan oleh Tuan Matahari. Tidak ada yang bertengkar karena tidak ada yang berbicara. Sehari-harinya, mereka hanya tertawa dan bersenandung bersama.
Pada suatu malam, ada sebuah bintang jatuh. Anak-anak Negeri Pelangi berusaha mengejar bintang jatuh tersebut. Mereka berlomba-lomba untuk menangkapnya. Biasanya, setiap malam, anak-anak bersayap akan mengejar dan menangkap bintang tanpa harus bertengkar karena jumlah bintang di malam hari tak terhitung banyaknya. Mereka tidak pernah kekurangan bintang. Akan tetapi, kali ini mereka bertengkar memperebutkan bintang jatuh karena jumlah bintang jatuh hanya ada satu. Anak-anak bersayap yang tadinya hidup damai kini jadi saling memukul dan menjambak. Mereka menarik-narik bintang jatuh sambil saling membentak.
Kaya berusaha mendiamkan dan melerai teman-temannya. Namun, anak-anak bersayap tidak mendengarkan. Karena semua anak berteriak, secara bersahut-sahutan, kata-kata Kaya tidak lagi didengarkan. Akhirnya Kaya pun mengumpulkan gumpalan-gumpalan awan dan membuat tulisan di dekat pelangi. Kaya menulis “MAAF” dengan huruf yang sangat besar.
Nyonya Bulan memantulkan cahaya dari Tuan Matahari untuk membantu Kaya menerangi tulisan dari gumpalan awan tersebut. Karena cahaya yang dipantulkan Nyonya Bulan cukup terang, akhirnya anak-anak bersayap memperhatikan tulisan tersebut. “Kalian harus saling meminta “Maaf,” ujar Kaya pada anak-anak bersayap. “Ayo kalian bilang “maaf” satu sama lain,” pinta Kaya pada teman-temannya.
Setelah mendengar anjuran Kaya, anak-anak bersayap saling mengucapkan “maaf.” Setelah mengucapkan kata itu, mereka tidak lagi merasa kesal satu sama lain. Mereka menangis dan menyesal sudah bertengkar hanya karena ingin memperebutkan bintang jatuh. Meskipun begitu, mereka masih bingung harus melakukan apa pada bintang jatuh tersebut. Saat itulah, Tuan Payung yang berpakaian serba hijau tiba-tiba datang dan menawarkan bantuan pada Kaya. “Kaya, karena kamu sudah mendamaikan anak-anak bersayap dan mengajari mereka kata “maaf,” kamu boleh mendapatkan bintang jatuh itu dan menggunakannya sesukamu,” ujar Tuan Payung.
Anak-anak bersayap setuju. Mereka menyerahkan bintang jatuh itu pada Kaya. Ketika memegang bintang jatuh itu, Kaya teringat akan ibunya yang sudah ia tinggalkan sejak lama. Ia ingat sempat marah dan membanting pintu di depan ibunya. Kaya ingat bahwa ia sendiri belum meminta “maaf” pada ibunya. “Aku ingin bintang jatuh ini membawaku pulang ke bumi.”
Awalnya anak-anak bersayap bersedih mendengar Kaya akan pulang ke bumi. “Aku senang berteman dengan kalian, tapi rumahku di bumi. Aku harus kembali ke bumi,” ujar Kaya. Setelah mengucapkan perpisahan dan bermain dengan anak-anak bersayap untuk terakhir kalinya, Kaya diantarkan Tuan Payung kembali ke bumi dengan mengendarai bintang jatuh.
Kaya kemudian sampai di jalan tempat dia pertama kali bertemu Tuan Payung. Tuan Payung kemudian pergi kembali ke Negeri Pelangi bersama bintang jatuh. “Terima kasih Tuan Payung! Sampai jumpa,” kata Kaya sambil melambaikan tangan.
Di jalan itu, hujan tidak lagi turun. Kaya tidak lagi kebasahan. Ia berlari kembali menuju rumahnya. Kaya memanggil ibunya. “Mama, aku sudah pergi terlalu lama, ya?” tanya Kaya. “Kamu baru pergi tadi, Kaya. Dan kamu lupa bawa payungmu,” kata ibunya sambil menyerahkan sebuah payung hijau pada Kaya.
“Maafkan aku, Mama,” ujar Kaya sambil memeluk ibunya. “Aku akan pergi ke sekolah sesuai dengan perintah Mama. Dan aku tidak perlu payung hijau ini lagi, Ma. Hujan sudah berhenti,” kata Kaya sambil tersenyum.
Sejak saat itu, Kaya kembali menjalani hidup bersama ibunya, meski tidak selalu bahagia.
Laura Marling - Alas, I Cannot Swim

There's a house across the river, but alas. I cannot swim
And a garden of such beauty that the flowers seem to grin
There's a house across the river, but alas, I cannot swim
I'll live my life regretting that I never jumped in
There's a boy across the river with short black curly hair
He wants to be my lover and I want to be his peer
There's a boy across the river but alas, I cannot swim
And I never will get to put my arms around him
There's a life across the river that was meant for me
Instead I live my life in constant misery
There's a life across the river but I do not see
Why I should please those that will never be pleased
There is gold across the river but I don't want none
Gold is fleeting, gold is fickle, gold is fun
There is gold across the river but I don't want none
I would rather be dry than held up by a golden gun
Saying work more, earn more, live more
Have more fun
------------------------------------------------------------------
The big-sized fonts show my feelings at the moment. Laura Marling speaks my heart out.
What I'm Feeling About Myself
"I've never lived. I died a few times."
Harold (Harold and Maude)
Let's be honest. I know that my family seems to be proud of me (or they "try" to be proud of me) and some of my friends say that I'm a lucky person and some of juniors say that I'm their role models (or maybe they're just trying to cheer me up) . But now I'm gonna tell you what I'm feeling about myself.
Truthfully, I feel ugly.
Mentally and physically.
Most of the time.
I've always felt ugly since I was a child. Up until now.
I never really fit in anywhere. In any parts of society. I've always been pretending. Just pretending that I fit in. Sometimes pretending could make me safe from the judgment of the society. But most of time it's just torturing. I know that I cannot force myself to please everyone everyday.
But when I'm not pretending, people will see the true ugliness of myself. I'm the kind of girl you would love to kill at the first place if you know what I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.
I'm a monster. Physically and mentally. I'm trying to be nice to human beings just because God told me to do so. Just because they're my kind, my species. Just for the sake of humanity.
Other than that, I'm an evildoer. I cannot do anything nice, anything proper, anything normal.
I'm ugly, I'm evil, I'm a sinner, I'm a moron.
If you know me deep inside, you would love to burn me to hell.
But you don't know. Because I'm trying my best to be invisible so that my evil self won't hurt you.
So let's just keep it all this way. Hidden. Pretending everything is fine. It's better this way....
It's Not Your Fault, Rob....
Greenpeace, I Quit
Okay, I know this entry will sound offensive for some people. I don't know about Greenpeace International, but I really really really really dislike Greenpeace Indonesia.
As a member of Greenpeace, I always got newsletters from them. And I don't think I share the same vision with them anymore. They're just too much.
And the way they said it: Sinar Mas, perusak hutan Indonesia terbesar, saat ini memasok minyak kelapa sawit bagi Nestle, produsen coklat terkenal KitKat, untuk produk global mereka.
For me, it was just way tooooo impolite and judgmental. Other than that, I often watch on tv and find that their activities are way toooo radical. They seem to be more like "seeking popularity" than "protecting the earth."
Therefore, I don't want to give my money for nothing. I'm gonna stop my donation, as soon as I finish my teacher training program and my french course.
Maybe I shall go back to WWF. Or maybe I shall try Profauna. They are way moooore honest.
I Can't Get a Life If My Heart's Not In It
Give me a minute, a man's got a limit
I can't get a life if my heart's not in it
Oasis - The Importance of Being Idle
Seriously, I don't understand why people keep acting like they know everything about me and that I am the luckiest girl in the world.
I AM NOT. Sorry to say.
"Everyone will be happy if you can immediately get a job after graduating."
"I will be happy if I were you, Rim."
"You're the most perfect and blessed girl. blablabla."
What if I'm not? What if you're wrong and I'm not like other people? I'm not everything you think I am? What if I don't want to get a job immediately? What if I want to take a rest for a while after 3.5 years of having a pain in the ass?
Why should I like what most people like? What if I don't want to get married? What if I don't want to have a child? What if I really love my parents but I cannot fulfill everything they want because I'm only human?
What if I don't want to dress like other people, when they want to have an interview? What if I HATE interview? What if I don't like people telling me what to do? What if I don't want to be judged from my appearance? What if I don't want to try to convince others so that they believe that I'm experienced even when I'm actually not? What if I cannot talk to new people easily? What if I don't hang around with people because I like to be alone? What if I miss my old friends? What if I don't want my mom to get involved in anything I do because she will mess up everything? What if I want to tell many things to my mom but she can't be trusted anymore at all? What if people don't understand you and you will never understand people?
What if I don't want to change myself just to please other people?
WHAT IF YOU WERE ME? WILL YOU BE HAPPY NOW?
Thanatophobia
Innalillaahi wa inna ilahi roojiun.
From Allah we come and to Allah we return.
Today, one of my mom's best friends, Uncle Ahlan, died.
I just met him last week. On Wednesday, February 24.
Now today, he died.
I pray that God will forgive his sins and mistakes, and that He will take Uncle Ahlan's good deeds.
I'm sad, not only because he's a nice person, but also because he's so nice to both of my parents. I love people who are nice to the people I love.
And last week, when I sounded a little bit complaining about my current job, he said, "That's good. At least you know that life is never easy. When you are faced by difficulties, you learn something from this life," he said, more or less.
His advice made me feel better and started to think that I should stop complaining about my job and try to accept everything as the way things are.
His death also reminded me with my mom. She's old now. I know she's suffering from many diseases. She often suffers from insomnia. She's afraid of going to sleep because she said she's afraid that she couldn't open her eyes anymore one day.
She's afraid of death. I am afraid, too. But when the death arrives, I can only accept everything as the way things are.
I should be more thankful to what I've got. I'm really a type of person who doesn't know what I got till it's gone. I often treat my mom improperly. Sometimes it seems like I take her for granted. I am not a good daughter because sometimes I cannot fulfill my mom's wishes.
One of my mom's wishes is.... to see me married and have children.
But I can't give her grandchildren. I don't want to get married (at least that's what I feel at the moment).
But I really want to make my mom happy and fulfill her wishes. I want to make her proud. I know that I can't stay forever with her. Because I know someday we will be separated. Either by death, or by life.
Oh my, she called me. I will talk to you later, bloggy.
Not Every Heart Belongs to Any Other

Okay, I feel like losing my humanity. I heard some terrible news about the world, including the earthquake in Haiti and Chille. I really want to help them, but all I can do is just praying that they won't lead to more horrible natural disasters.
I used to be a person who really cares about the condition of the world. However, seeing the chaos on earth everyday (either by natural causes or by human errors) has turned me into a very apathetic person. It seems like I'm losing my heart. I just feel extremely bored with the world. I'm fed up of hoping for everything good but ending up stuck in a cruel reality.
There's still a part of me, though, that really hopes that I can do something for the world. Okay, I'm still a Greenpeace member, and I still do some philanthropic activities once in a while. But I still feel that what I have done is nothing, and there's nothing I could do to bring a better life on earth, especially in my country. And when I wanted to write a study objective for Fulbright Scholarship application, I was confused on what should I write about the things I would like to contribute to my country.
Moreover, watching some chaos caused by Indonesian people nowadays (including the news on any Century Bank case-related chaos) makes me feel like I would love to really hate this country from the bottom of my heart.
Well... I'm still trying to think positively, though...
.........................................................................................................But thinking is tiring.
On Being a Muslim

Okay, this is my 3rd entry today. Hope you won't get bored.
One of the reasons why I would like to do anything just to go back to the 90's is because I used to feel free and comfortable as a Muslim (during the 90's). I don't feel that kind of freedom anymore today. Especially after the September 11, 2001 tragedy. The impact of this tragedy is actually the bigger tragedy of humanity. Because after September 11, 2001, Muslims and non-muslims no longer see each other in "human" way. The tragedy has really opened my eyes on how humans can be so easily judgmental to each other. I used to be one of them, who really despised people who hated Islam due to the tragedy. I thought those people were pieces of craps. But then I realized that hating those Islam haters didn't make me any more open-minded than them. Once we become over judgmental (well, judgment is fine, over judgment is not) towards people, we will loose our sense to understand them as human beings.
So, due to all of these over judgments, Islam will no longer be seen as what Islam really is. As I've been a friend of some people who despise terrorism in Faculty of Humanities, and I've learned what they think about Islam, I started to realize that there are a lot of differences between their views on Islam and my views on Islam.
Okay, let's move back a little bit to the past. How can it lead to this?
As I lived in Indonesia (a country where the majority of people here are Muslims) and was educated in Islamic elementary school, I really felt accepted to be a Muslim without bothering other people's right of being non-muslims. I knew exactly what Barrack Obama meant by "In Indonesia, Muslims and non-Muslims could get along each other."
I have parents who have always taught me to love Islam completely but have never taught me to hate other people who don't believe in Islam. I have always been taught "Lakum diinukum waliyadiin." Or in other words, "For you what you believe, for me what I believe."
In that point of view, I really felt that Islam is truly "Rahmatalil aalamin" (blessing for the universe). And the idea that Islam would later be judged as a religion of terrorism had never crossed into my mind. There's no way I could tell that Islam teaches us terrorism. All I know is Islam teaches us to believe in one God, Allah swt. and follow whatever Rasulullah saw., the messenger has told us to do. And "terrorism" is never on the list of what Rasulullah saw. asked us to do.
Rasulullah saw. did go to some wars. But if you learned about the wars carefully, you'll know that Rasulullah saw. took some time and patience to tolerate what Quraisy and other Kafir people did. Rasulullah saw. didn't instantly declare the war. At first, he introduced those Kafir people with Islam. They didn't accept Islam. Later, they tortured Muslims and banned the Muslims from Mekkah. Rasulullah saw. and other Muslims went to Madinah. But after all the tolerances that they offered, the Kafir people still despised Rasulullah saw. and other Muslims. They have always tried to kill them. So, is it wrong if finally they decided to fight for what they believed in? I guess it's normal and rational. Even in the war, Rasulullah saw. didn't want women and children to get involved (except Syafiah because she's the one who wanted to go to the war). He didn't allow us to kill enemies in the war if they already surrendered.
Another obvious example is the death penalty in Islam. In Islam, when you kill someone, you will be beheaded. That's the famous part. But often non-muslims will never know about this part: "Unless it's for defending yourself and unless the family of the one you murder forgives you."
So that's what Islam is about. We, Muslims, are taught to "fight" for what we believe in. But not only that, we are also taught patience, tolerance, and mercy.
So it's not just simply a strict packet of rules that is lack of tolerance. The implementation of Islamic syariah varied according the cases and the context. But the hatred and the fear of Islam have already restricted non-muslim people to find out more about Islam. That makes the over-judgments grow bigger. That makes us, as Muslims, also hate non-muslims more because we think they have overjudged us. If none of us tried to step aside and look at the problems from the different point of view, the circle of overjudgment and hatred would always continue.
So, I'm writing this, not only as a Muslim but aslo a friend of some non-muslims. I don't want to "overfight" anymore." Because "fighting" is not the only thing taught in Islam. There should be some time for us to take a rest and listen to other people. Or at least, try to let them speak (even when you don't really want to hear them speak).
Maybe Muslims in the world should learn from Bosnian people. Do you remember in the 90's, when some other Muslims in the world, including the ones in Indonesia, lived peacefully? In the 90's Bosnians were not as happy as other Muslims. They suffered from the genocide planned by the leaders of Yugoslavia at that time. There was an intended "ethnic cleansing" that cause many victims, including many people who got killed, many little girls who got raped, and many others lost their homes and families.
What did the Bosnians do then? They fought for their freedom, with some help from here and there. And finally Slobodan Milosevic and his partners in crime got punishments they deserved. But after that, did they try to "overfight" the Serbians? Did they try to destroy "Serbia" as a country? Did they try to make another "genocide" to get innocent people involved in their vengeance? No, they didn't. That's what I love from Bosnian people. When they know that it hurts, they don't want other people to suffer the same way. And I guess that what makes me proud of Bosnian Muslims. They really know exactly Muslims must "fight," but not "overfight" that we will hurt others.
So, I'm hoping that I could see Islam in such a way. It's hard to be a person in that level (fighting but not overfighting). I have to admit I'm still in process of learning how to be in that level. I have to admit sometimes I still suffer from irrational hatred towards others, especially towards those who hate Islam.
So what I'm going to do now is just praying and keep on trying to be a Muslim in that level.
And it's obvious that I will always be proud of being a Muslim. I MUST always be proud of being a Muslim. No matter what people say.
You're All Things That Shine and I'm All Things Darker

Again, these are just my thoughts and feelings on my current life. If you think they're crap, you may leave for your own good.
I have always felt that I never fit in almost anywhere. I could only get a long with several people, in my real life. Even in the internet, I couldn't be as outgoing as other people. The bad news is... some people think I'm arrogant, impolite, and ignorant because of that. Some people even consider me as a cold hard bitch, because I don't seem to care about other people.
These opinions have been really affecting me lately. For in working life, people think I don't meet the requirements as an UI graduate. I am not outgoing. I don't talk much. If I talk much, I cannot talk about things that could please others. I don't sound smart. I don't look smart. I'm lack of sociability. I cannot convince other people to at least listen to my arguments. I cannot start cool conversation with other people because I hardly share the same interest with most people I just met. I am not a Ms. Up to Date who knows every entertainment happening news. I like to talk more about history than future. I am a boring person and am easily bored by people. I am not confident in expressing my opinions, and when I finally could raise my confidence, people find that I am far too "loud". I don't know, I just get the sense that no matter what I do, either speaking up my mind or just keeping silent, people will still despise me.
In short, even If I graduated with good GPA and even if my lecturers were happy about my thesis, I still feel that I am not one of those qualified UI graduates.
I guess I will stop pursuing prestigious jobs, then. Being a teacher is already fine by me. I don't want to feel any more useless in other fields due to my lack of sociability. I know my capability. I can only speak fluently in classrooms (well, even in the classroom, I guess people wouldn't want to hear much about my opinions. But I love classroom activities, so I don't really mind being looked down on as long as I could do something I really like).
But I still put my hopes on studying abroad. Even if I would probably feel more terrible to adjust myself with people from other country, I still want to study a lot of things related to language and linguistics.
I want to find out more why there are people like me, who cannot communicate very well with any kinds of language. And I hope by mastering linguistics, I could apply what I've learned in the real life so that I could fix my relationship with my social environment. All my life, I've always had a terrible relationship with the world because I cannot communicate well with the world. It's so weird, when I really love to learn language but I don't love to communicate with it. I guess competence and performance are two really different things*.
Maybe I could put these ideas in my study objectives for Fulbright application. I know these ideas sound stupid, but that's what I feel from the bottom of my heart. That is the reason why I really want to learn language.
*For more explanation: In linguistics, Chomsky distinguishes between "competence" and "performance." To make the story short, competence is any knowledge you have in mind about a language (the pronunciation, the grammar, the vocabularies, the idioms, etc). While performance is the actual realization of how you use the language (your actual writings and speech). Sometimes these two are just too different. A person may know everything about a language, but in fact, they may be weak in the execution.
a rush of feminism to the head.
Tadi saya baru saja menonton sinetron Safa & Marwah di RCTI (menemani mama, seperti biasa).
Lalu tiba-tiba saja ada sebuah line yang membuat kuping ini merasakan tanda-tanda ingin digaruk.
Berikut ini cuplikan line yg dituturkan tokoh Ilham pada tokoh Ello :
Ilham: Gue udah serahin Safa ke elo. Lo harus jaga dia. Jangan sekali-kali bikin dia nangis. Kalo lo bikin dia nangis, gue nggak bakal maafin lo.
Ada beberapa kesan yang saya tangkap dari perkataan Ilham ini.
1. Ilham tidak memperhatikan "felicity condition" dari tuturannya. Dia melakukan tindak tutur "memerintah" Ello untuk menjaga Safa dan tidak membuat Safa menangis. Tindak tutur ini sulit terwujud karena a. Ello belum tentu menyetujuinya b. Ello belum tentu dapat menyanggupinya. Secara praktis, seorang perempuan, khususnya yang seperti Safa sangat sulit untuk tidak menangis. Bagaimana kalau nantinya Safa akan menangis tapi Ello tidak sengaja? Bagaimana kalau Safa akan tetap menangis meskipun tidak diapa2kan oleh Ello? Bagaimana kalo Safa menangis tapi bukan karena Ello, tapi suatu saat keadaan membuat seolah-olah Ello yang membuatnya menangis. Hal ini tidak dipikirkan oleh Ilham.
2. Sebenarnya saya tidak suka kalimat Ilham yang seolah-olah menempatkan Safa sebagai "properti" atau "objek." Mengapa Safa harus "diserahkan" kepada Ello? Apakah Safa seperti barang yang bisa diserahterimakan begitu saja. Bahkan Safa bukan istri dari Ilham maupun Ello. Tidak ada ijab kabul apa diserahkan pada siapa, siapa diserahkan sebagai apa. Lalu kenapa Safa tidak boleh menangis? Kenapa harus ada orang yang tidak dimaafkan kalau Safa menangis? Boleh saja kan Safa menangis. Safa, dan semua perempuan di dunia ini (begitu pula laki-laki) memiliki hak untuk menangis. Dan seolah-olah menangis adalah hal yang buruk? Mengapa demikian? Apakah perempuan harus selalu bahagia dan senang-senang saja? Apa dia tidak berhak merasakan kesedihan, kekesalan, dan bentuk emosi lainnya yang normal saja bila dimiliki oleh seorang perempuan (dan laki-laki)? Mengapa perempuan tidak diberikan "hidup" apa adanya? Dan harus dijadikan jaminan untuk menunjukkan bahwa seorang laki-laki mampu menjadi pecinta yang baik. Seolah-olah, seorang laki-laki akan menjadi laki-laki yang "berhasil" bila bisa membuat "perempuan"-nya tidak menangis? Bukankah perempuan juga adalah makhluk yang berhak berdiri sendiri atas perasaannya sendiri?
Dan yang menyedihkan adalah... Kata-kata seperti ini sangat wajar ditemukan di sinetron-sinetron Indonesia. Hhhhh. Mudah2an tidak di kenyataan ya.
Ocehan Orang Mabuk Dalam Menyambut Tahun Baru
Tahun 2009 kemarin diakhiri dengan keonaran yang dibuat oleh kakak saya. Yang saya, dengan ini menyatakan, tidak mau menyalahkannya dan tidak mau merendahkan keputusannya seperti yang dilakukan orang-orang. Orang-orang itu tidak pernah mengorbankan banyak hal seperti yang telah kakak saya lakukan pada saya. Kebanyakan dari mereka berpura-pura baik pada saya padahal dalam hati sangat membenci saya. Oleh karena itulah, untuk kali itu, saya memutuskan untuk membela kakak saya. Dan dalam batas aturan-aturan tertentu, kakak saya masih belum melanggar batas. Setidaknya, begitulah pendapat saya.
Apabila selanjutnya tindakan saya ini dianggap sebagai tindakan pengkhianatan, kemunafikan, dan lain sebagainya, tentu saja itu terserah pada orang-orang yang berpendapat. Saya sudah lelah mengorbankan banyak hal untuk sesuatu yang saya tidak tahu apa. Dan setelah melakukan semua hal yang dituntut oleh banyak orang, saya tahu saya tidak dapat menyenangkan semua orang. Pasti akan ada pihak-pihak yang sakit hati. Tapi saya tidak mau bersusah payah seperti Pak Presiden SBY untuk mengembalikan nama baiknya dengan menggelar konferensi pers lalu menyatakan bahwa ini semua adalah fitnah dan segalanya bla bla bla. Biarlah Allah swt. yang menilai siapa yang benar dan siapa yang salah. Saya tidak punya pengetahuan apapun soal itu. Saya, seperti manusia lainnya, memiliki kemampuan rasio yang terbatas.Saya hanya melakukan apa yang saya lakukan dan saya sudah sampai di titik bahwa saya sudah muak untuk melakukan hal yang saya tidak tahu apa tujuannya. Itu saja yang saya tahu.
Karena hal-hal tidak bertujuan ini, seseorang telah mengarahkan saya untuk melakukan apa saja sesuai petunjuknya. Saya sudah melakukan semua yang dia arahkan. Tapi manusia memang tidak pernah merasa cukup. Tidak hanya dia. Banyak orang lain yang juga menuntut saya. Di dunia yang terlalu asing bagi saya. Padahal saya sendiri memiliki kehidupan lain yang jauh lebih nyata dan berharga. Namun nampaknya mereka tidak pernah mau mengerti dan terus menerjemahkan semua apa yang saya lakukan dengan segala keburukan di muka bumi. Dan tentunya, saat ini saya sudah tidak terlalu peduli lagi.
Pada akhirnya, saya menceritakan semua hal yang sudah saya tahan selama berbulan-bulan. Saya ceritakan pada salah satu sahabat terbaik saya. Dan dia mengatakan bahwa dia memahami perasaan saya. Sekejap, semua tuduhan, prasangka buruk, fitnah, fakta yang ditambah-tambahkan, fakta yang diputarbalikkan (sampai akhirnya saya hampir gila dan bingung untuk membedakan mana yang benar dan mana yang salah), semua tersapu habis dengan sedikit kata-kata darinya. Sekejap saya merasakan kebahagiaan dan saya merasa tidak sia-sia mempercayai dia selama ini. Karena dia pun percaya pada saya. Sesuatu yang tidak bisa saya temukan pada orang-orang lain di tempat yang saya pun tidak tahu apa namanya itu.
Lalu saya, dengan sedikit amanah yang tersisa, karena orang yang sangat saya hargai memaksa saya untuk bertahan. Akhirnya saya bertahan. Karena sahabat saya, orang yang saya hargai, dan beberapa orang baik yang saya temui.
Saya sudah banyak mengubah cara kerja dan cara berpikir saya untuk menyesuaikan dengan kemauan orang yang dulu saya percaya. Saya sudah kehilangan banyak teman-teman saya dan mungkin kehilangan diri saya sendiri karena sudah menuruti apapun yang dia anggap pantas. Tapi pada akhirnya saya sadar bahwa dia ternyata tidak menganggap saya apapun melainkan batu sandungan yang harus disingkirkan. Tapi itu pun tidak apa-apa. Karena akhirnya saya banyak belajar.
Di tahun 2010 ini, ucapan selamat tahun baru dari orang-orang yang saya sayangi membuat saya bersemangat untuk bertahan meski saya juga tidak tahu sampai kapan saya akan bertahan. Saya ingin memulainya lagi dengan orang-orang yang dengan senang hati bersikap baik pada saya. Saya ingin menjadi orang yang tidak mementingkan cara dan sistem saja, tapi juga memperhatikan apa yang diinginkan oleh orang-orang yang berinteraksi dengan saya.
Dan saya sudah memulainya hari ini. Melihat percakapan bahagia antara orang-orang yang baik pada saya membuat saya juga bahagia. Saya tidak lagi mengikat diri saya pada prasangka-prasangka pada orang-orang di sekitar saya. Karena dahulu, prasangka-prasangka itulah yang membuat hubungan saya menjadi tidak baik dengan mereka. Saya kembali mendapatkan kebebasan saya. Tidak perlu lagi dituntut seolah-olah ini adalah beban yang ditimpakan pada pundak saya.
Meskipun saya harus melalui berbagai tragedi tidak penting karena prasangka-prasangka tersebut, setidaknya saya sudah belajar beberapa hal.
Dan biarlah prasangka itu terus ada. Karena sekarang, saya sudah tidak takut lagi dengan prasangka-prasangka yang ada.
No Heart
No Heart
By Rima Muryantina
Some people say I have no heart,
Because when the black lies start,
I will throw away my forgiving part,
When the black lies arrive,
I will play cold and dive,
Leaving the unforgivables to strive.
"Do they have hearts?" I never ask,
"What about our friendship?" I never ask,
"What about my trust?" I never ask,
"What about being nice to me a little bit?" I never ask,
"What about being PURELY nice to me even just once?" I never ask,
"What about my loneliness?" I never ask.
"What about telling me the truth when I'm wrong?" I always ask.
So now why you ask me, "Where is your heart?"
"Gone," I said. "You killed her."
i'm tired of thinking
I was about to write about New Moon, but then i just found myself not really interested to talk about it at the moment.
Today I feel sick. For both meanings.
I guess I'm just too sick of all these things.
You know, i love to study from the bottom of my heart. I guess i don't need to explain further. But now I realize that having a passion to study hard is not the only thing I need as a student. Especially in my faculty, I have to adjust my ideology with some people, some lecturers, some students, and some thinkers on the books/handouts I read. I tried so hard to manage not loosing my ideology without disrespecting those other ideologies. I tried to be rational. But I have to be honest, I can't always be rational. And that's what's happening to me now. I feel like I want to loose my rationality. I don't want to think, because as Kate Nash said, "Thinking is the most stressful thing I've ever come across."
But again, I have to be realistic that each of the faculties or study fields in the world has its own strengths and weaknesses. So, I just have to accept everything as the way things are. But it is not as easy as it is said, you know. Accepting everything as the way things are has always been a difficult thing for me to do.
I thought in the last days of me being UI S1 student, I would see a bright side of what i had been through. I thought I would look at the positive side. But what I can recall is just bad memories that happen in the past. I tried so hard to forget and forgive all those bad memories. But I just can't. And I don't know why I can't. I don't want to remember my college life as the dark ages of my life. No. I've been through worse in highschool. I should have held on to it better.
For these 7 semesters full of thinking activities, i finally realized that I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of accepting everything as the way things are. I'm tired of adjusting my ideology with a lot of other ideologies i met in my faculty. they just scare me.
besides, how does it feel to put your best effort in almost everything but nobody really cares anyway?
that's why I'm tired of thinking.
i saw a lot of people in my campus. they talk. they don't really think. they just keep on talking. sometimes i think it's better for me to talk it over. and i have done that in this blog.
but even if i talk it over, i guess nobody will really understand. nobody will even try to understand. that's why i will always come back to what i've always been doing: thinking.








