Swallowed In The Sea

I can only blame myself, you can only blame me

Swallowed in The Sea - Coldplay

Some people may get along with their life easily. Some people get along with their parents as well. I'm not one of some people. Believe me, I have tried a lot more than you know just to please my parents. I guess I never can.

I really don't know what is wrong with me and my parents. Usually I blame myself for that. But lately I think I'm just simply sick of blaming myself and start to think "what if the one who's wrong is my father or my mother, and not me?" or "what if none of us wrong and it's just the way things are" or maybe "what if we all are equally wrong but none of us tries to realize?"

But then I think family shouldn't have been about wrong or right. Family is not a juridical court, nor a school exam, nor even a scientific research. Family shouldn't have been about win or lose either, unlike sport tournament or money market.

Yeah, it shouldn't have been that way. I know. But the truth shows me the opposite. What I've been through with my family has always been the questions about who's wrong and who's right, who gives more benefits than others, who wins the battle, and so on, and so forth.

And I'm simply tired of it. And I want to runaway.

Today my father made me sick to my stomach. As he's always been barely tolerable, but this time is too much and I can't take any more of him.

So I used to either ignore him or fight him in such situations.

But this time I decided to take a different way. I decided to take some time, and wait for the right moment to runaway from home.

You know, even when I'm 21, my parents still try to take control of my life as if it's their office. So I just want some freedom and I want to learn to live by myself without too much depending on them. But I won't, once again, I WON'T go to my relatives' houses for sanctuary. If my family is a disaster, then I can tell you that my relatives are the hell itself. I hate them. They always intervene with my problems without even give solutions. I suppose they laugh at my problems badly. They will seem to defend me at the first place and blame my parents for my pain but are actually ENJOYING every single second of me being suffered.

So I decided that after this year's Idul Fitri, I'm gonna find a boarding house somewhere near my office. I don't want to live at my parents' house anymore. Besides, the distance between my parents' house and my office is quite far. It took me hours to get me at the office on time. So... it makes me tired, and it wastes my money. So, I don't think I should torture myself more just because my parents don't allow me to leave.

Well, that's my plan. Wish me luck.