Swallowed In The Sea

I can only blame myself, you can only blame me

Swallowed in The Sea - Coldplay

Some people may get along with their life easily. Some people get along with their parents as well. I'm not one of some people. Believe me, I have tried a lot more than you know just to please my parents. I guess I never can.

I really don't know what is wrong with me and my parents. Usually I blame myself for that. But lately I think I'm just simply sick of blaming myself and start to think "what if the one who's wrong is my father or my mother, and not me?" or "what if none of us wrong and it's just the way things are" or maybe "what if we all are equally wrong but none of us tries to realize?"

But then I think family shouldn't have been about wrong or right. Family is not a juridical court, nor a school exam, nor even a scientific research. Family shouldn't have been about win or lose either, unlike sport tournament or money market.

Yeah, it shouldn't have been that way. I know. But the truth shows me the opposite. What I've been through with my family has always been the questions about who's wrong and who's right, who gives more benefits than others, who wins the battle, and so on, and so forth.

And I'm simply tired of it. And I want to runaway.

Today my father made me sick to my stomach. As he's always been barely tolerable, but this time is too much and I can't take any more of him.

So I used to either ignore him or fight him in such situations.

But this time I decided to take a different way. I decided to take some time, and wait for the right moment to runaway from home.

You know, even when I'm 21, my parents still try to take control of my life as if it's their office. So I just want some freedom and I want to learn to live by myself without too much depending on them. But I won't, once again, I WON'T go to my relatives' houses for sanctuary. If my family is a disaster, then I can tell you that my relatives are the hell itself. I hate them. They always intervene with my problems without even give solutions. I suppose they laugh at my problems badly. They will seem to defend me at the first place and blame my parents for my pain but are actually ENJOYING every single second of me being suffered.

So I decided that after this year's Idul Fitri, I'm gonna find a boarding house somewhere near my office. I don't want to live at my parents' house anymore. Besides, the distance between my parents' house and my office is quite far. It took me hours to get me at the office on time. So... it makes me tired, and it wastes my money. So, I don't think I should torture myself more just because my parents don't allow me to leave.

Well, that's my plan. Wish me luck.

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Back For Good

You know, in Indonesia, there is a proverb "As if licking your own spit." I guess I've just done that.

Not literally, you know. Of course, who wants to be such grossy?

Anyway, a few weeks (or days, I don't really remember) a go, I deactivated my facebook. But now I declare myself activate it again... in order to promote my cyber novel.

Don't ask me why. I've tried zillion times to look for a publisher that is willing to publish my works. Most of publishers are not interested. They don't like to publish short stories or poem collections if I'm not famous enough to get people buy my books. So, I decided to write a novel, the more commercial form of a literary work. But it didn't succeed either.

When I was in highschool I submitted my first novel. The novel was an ordinary novel about highschool life. It was rejected. But to be fair, the publisher was nice enough to give me some feedbacks and told me that I was potential enough in writing. They said that I have a really strong skill in building my characters but the theme I chose was too ordinary. They also said, "Don't give up! Don't stop writing" ---> yeah, but you rejected it anyway. Like it will have any good to build up my confidence again. -___-"

So when I was in college (it was in my second semester, I suppose), I created another novel. This one was still about highschool life, but I modified it from the point of view of a girl who's already dead (Yes, I know. It sounds like The Lovely Bones. But I swear I hadn't read the novel when I wrote this novel). I tried to publish it to another publisher. They didn't even answer my submission.

So I decided to stop my obsession on being a writer, and tried to focus on my study. But now that I have graduated, the desire of writing came back to me in sudden. But it seems like I kinda lost my trust to some publishers. I'm afraid that they will reject me again, or worse, ignore me and my writing.

And I started to think that I need a medium to put all my uncontrolled emotions these few months. So I decided to start writing a novel again. This one is about a 63-year-old linguist, not about a highschool student anymore.

So my plan is... I'm gonna publish my novel in a blog (I've created one in wordpress) and see if I can make a fanbase there. I keep on updating chapters per chapters. Readers can give comments to help me improve the novel. So readers will also be involved with the novel itself. If I could get some positive responses, I will later see whether this novel is worth-published.

As I consider Facebook as one of the most effective ways to promote things, I decided to reactivate my Facebook and promote my novel there.

But don't get me wrong. I also consider Blogspot useful. So, for all of you bloggers and readers, please do read my novel here and don't forget to leave some comments. Your ideas and suggestions will be highly appreciated.

Thank you so much, in advance! :)


errrrr... I forgot to tell you. The novel is written in Bahasa Indonesia. So maybe you can only read the novel if you can speak Bahasa. Hehee (or you can try to learn Bahasa I guess) :)

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Picture Spam

I've told you that I have deactivated my facebook. However, some memories still need to be saved. So here are some of my favourite pictures that I used to display on my FB's photo albums.

This one was taken at "Payung" near Building II, Faculty of Humanities, Universitas Indonesia. From this side, my faculty looks outstanding. Such a pity that this picture doesn't really represent reality. :P

Edited by me. Just one of the representation of my narcissism. I like it, though. I ensure myself that none of you has a problem with that. :P

I really like this one. I love the cake and the CD. I put them in this concept in order to express my love for Kate Nash. She's so sweetly different.

This is actually a "failed" picture. When I first took this picture, it looked awful. It showed my capability as an amateur photographer. However, after some little "make up" from Adobe Photoshop, I could gain respect from some deviantart members when I posted this secondhand version of my horrible art.

I took this using my cell phone. This is art. Without any retouch. Proud of it. :)

Edited by me, taken by either Nandini or Hepy (I forgot). I can say that they're one of the best I've ever had in Faculty of Humanities. They never change, even after getting jobs and facing the so called materialistic and catastrophic "real" world.

I personally love to rebeautify my ugly face with Adobe Photoshop and Corel Photopaint. I thank anyone who found such facilities.

Another symbol of narcissism. But I kinda love this one. It's green, representing my favourite colour. And the book I read was some French children book called L'Amie de Petit-Ours. How I miss CCF...

This one is my absolute favourite profile picture. Representing me as a whole. Some depressive girl stuck in a modern world.

I like this because I successfully cooperate with Corel Photopaint to make my eyes look green. Good job, pal. *Shake hands with Corel*

Another failed picture. But the light mas made it more beautiful than what it really is. I'm such a forger.

I told you I miss CCF (and still love CCF until now and forever probably). The book was the handbook I got from some Paragita concert at Goethe Institute. I like Paragita. It's one of the few reasons why I still love UI.

I don't mean to trick anyone and pretend to make myself more beautiful. I suppose everyone is smart enough to realize that this one looks somewhat lovely just because of the graphic. This is one of the most original art I've ever created, even if some people want to throw up over this.

Sorry for the spam. You may skip this and go to sleep. Sorry for the possible nightmares. Don't meet me and my ugly poses in your dream. xD

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The Forenoon

Thy Lord hath not forsaken thee nor doth He hate thee

(Ad-Dhuhaa : 3)

Okay, that was one of my most favourite verse in Al-Qur'an. Obviously, I'm a Muslim. Probably not a very good Muslim, as I always whine about my life in this blog and in other possible places in cyber world. Why is that? Because I've been silenced in my real life. For years, I've felt like living in a country, which has no recognition for "freedom of speech" or "innocent until proven otherwise" that I have always been prejudged by most people through their first impressions. If I don't whine all of this nonsense, I think I'm gonna be "literally" mentally ill in my real life.

Yeah, Muslims shouldn't whine about their lives. I have heard this criticism so many times, including from my family, friends, "non"-friends who pretend to be friends, even from my enemies.

I never want to hear them. You know, sometimes listening to good inputs could be really stressful when the commentators are those who don't know how it feels like to be you. It will sound too "arrogant." Those people will easily say "stop whining about your life" because they haven't been in your position and they don't feel the way you feel.

But then, the one who will always slap me on the face is God himself. He always gives the way for me to take a look at the brighter side of my darkness. Sometimes He gives me insights from little things I like (for example: from Germany National Team or from the so-called movie "Inception"). And sometimes He gives me answers after a very long journey. Like what I've just had today. He finally shows me what career suits me best. And I just realized, maybe those failures I got in the past were only some stepping stones to get me here, where I am now.

And of course, I will always get insights from Al-Qur'an, Hadits, and the stories of those wonderful prophets.

Just like this verse, this surrah named "Ad-Dhuha." You know, "Ad-Dhuha" means "The Morning Hours," "The forenoon", or "After Sunrise."

I guess I want to create a band called "The Morning Hours", a story called "The Forenoon" and a movie called "After Sunrise."

LOL. The last idea was just very random.

In short, today is a relief. Especially when I remember the verse above. Sometimes I'm afraid that He forsakes me. I'm afraid that He hates me. But every time I remember that verse, I always put my trust on Him.

And He never disappoints me. Never.

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You Don't Know Me At All. You Never Will.

I do know her. And I know that she has got so much love in her heart. But the thought of letting it out, showing her cards, scares her to death. I never knew it would be possible to miss someone this much. Anthea Stonem (Skins)
Hello, long time no post. Just want to inform you that I've deleted my facebook account today.

Why? That... you don't have to know.

Let's take a look at the bright side. I will have much more time on tumblr and especially, blogspot.
I really miss blogspot. I can say anything I want to say here, without having too many feedbacks from unwanted people.

Yes, I AM that selfish. My sister said that I suffered from Anti-Social Disorder. Somehow I believe her.

I don't really want to get close with people I don't really know. But I also feel guilty if I don't give them the right to simply just say "Hi" to me. So I let them say "Hi." But sometimes "Hi" isn't enough. And several people want to get to know me deeper and deeper. Which is okay, for several people... But for several others... I guess they make me scared.

So yeah, here I am. Going back to blogspot world and leaving my facebook world behind. So watch out! I'm gonna spam your dashboard. xD

Wish me luck. :)

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