i'm tired of thinking

I was about to write about New Moon, but then i just found myself not really interested to talk about it at the moment.

Today I feel sick. For both meanings.

I guess I'm just too sick of all these things.

You know, i love to study from the bottom of my heart. I guess i don't need to explain further. But now I realize that having a passion to study hard is not the only thing I need as a student. Especially in my faculty, I have to adjust my ideology with some people, some lecturers, some students, and some thinkers on the books/handouts I read. I tried so hard to manage not loosing my ideology without disrespecting those other ideologies. I tried to be rational. But I have to be honest, I can't always be rational. And that's what's happening to me now. I feel like I want to loose my rationality. I don't want to think, because as Kate Nash said, "Thinking is the most stressful thing I've ever come across."

But again, I have to be realistic that each of the faculties or study fields in the world has its own strengths and weaknesses. So, I just have to accept everything as the way things are. But it is not as easy as it is said, you know. Accepting everything as the way things are has always been a difficult thing for me to do.

I thought in the last days of me being UI S1 student, I would see a bright side of what i had been through. I thought I would look at the positive side. But what I can recall is just bad memories that happen in the past. I tried so hard to forget and forgive all those bad memories. But I just can't. And I don't know why I can't. I don't want to remember my college life as the dark ages of my life. No. I've been through worse in highschool. I should have held on to it better.

For these 7 semesters full of thinking activities, i finally realized that I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of accepting everything as the way things are. I'm tired of adjusting my ideology with a lot of other ideologies i met in my faculty. they just scare me.

besides, how does it feel to put your best effort in almost everything but nobody really cares anyway?

that's why I'm tired of thinking.

i saw a lot of people in my campus. they talk. they don't really think. they just keep on talking. sometimes i think it's better for me to talk it over. and i have done that in this blog.

but even if i talk it over, i guess nobody will really understand. nobody will even try to understand. that's why i will always come back to what i've always been doing: thinking.